Blog Inactive

I have had people asked me why I no longer post anything here. It is simply because I have decided to stop this blog and started a new one where it would be easier for me to update people not just through my blog but also through my ministry in New York. The link to the new blog is below:

https://behindthepodiumandunderthespotlight.wordpress.com/blog/

Either life is going to be constantly this hard, or I need to change something about myself...

I often do come to this place where I contemplate the situation that I am facing that is rather challenging. Wanting to be more efficient, I tend to find ways to simplify so that I can focus better on other things that cannot be simplified.

I am surprised by a comment said by a friend about me. He was pointing out how he respects me for having to go through so many hurdles in life and still staying the course of what I have been pursuing for the many years now.

I begin to unfold that my case may be one of the very few that people would come to experience. I do understand that there are those who have experienced worse. There is not a point here that I am bringing about comparison because not everyone is in the same boat as I am, and maybe their situation may be just as bad but in a different manner. But for those that closely identify with my situation, can come to see my life to be different.

With this being said, all the more that I want to and am clinging to God, to bring about the testimonial that glorifies Him. It is a reminder that eyes are everywhere and that I cannot slack on things that are no essential to my Christian walk.

In so many ways, we are still people that serve to protect our own self first...

I don't mean in the manner where we are deliberately being selfish but rather that some of our decisions and opinions often run that direction unconsciously, rather than finding oneself in a place to reflect and understand.

Just found myself missing writing at the moment. I know what led me to lost the desire to write but for some reason, I am still held back and I know that it is something that was not worth considering for losing he desire to write. I hate it and yet I found myself succumbed by it.

It is so rare to find myself feeling happy to experience the sun. The current winter has been rough in certain ways and gloomy, to say the least. But this morning as I am staring out the window, a sudden brightness lit up on the buildings across the street as the sun appears behind thick clouds.
Even as the sun's exposure where shortlived through a cloudy day, it was a somewhat pleasant experience... making me think of the existence of God that I and many other seems to forget through the hardships of life.

You know when the hole that is inside of you is so vast and unique that nothing can ever fill it except God alone...

Often I do know that most of what I feel the need that is inside can only be satisfied by God, but sometimes it takes a little longer to come to that surrender. Of which, it is not a good thing.

As of late, I have been realizing how it is taking a long time for me to come to a place to realizing that, as well as actually going to God and seek Him alone.

Father, come and get me...

I am waiting...

Seems like its a never-ending journey of waiting,  and even if it is for different things and reasons, but it is always a waiting game. I know that even as I wait, it builds patients but at the same time, I am learning to be active in the waiting.

But as of late, there have been pressures that I come to face, these are some that are relatively new to me. I am witnessing the brokenness that I once witnessed in my past and now surfaces itself either in someone else or through an after effect of my own story.

Even as I am back in NY where I want to be, I am still in limbo to what is my direction for this short run. Although I have a far vision in mind, I am still unsure how that will work itself out from what I am seeing right now.

My mind has been all over the place, thinking of the many possibilities that come with the situation that I am in. I appreciate stability and it has not been easy being in flexible mode.

Overall, I am in need to centering. I am in need of anchoring myself with God.

Yes, I am aware of the brokenness that exists in this world. It is not exactly surprising to me about the lack of wisdom and awareness in people about many of the things that they ought to know by now. However, it does bring about a heartbreaking feeling that those who ought to know better find themselves trapped in lies that only lick their wounds but nothing is being done about understanding the pain.

I feel a sense of paralysis and even a little hopelessness in humanity, even in the knowledge that God is in control.

This morning, I woke up earlier than I used to. I tried to stay in bed to get maybe a couple more hours of sleep but I could not. So I decided that I will wake up and start the day earlier and get a proper breakfast. After breakfast, I decided to get a head start on my school work and see if I can get it out of the way by today and maybe also squeeze in a couple more of other homework so that I can be a little more free to do other things throughout the week.

I was starting out slow but had a rather stable approach to writing my paper and I decided to just play a song on Spotify. As I tend to listen more to instrumentals than songs with lyrics, this time I decided to just listen to 1 song with lyrics, an old song that I used to like. Upon listening to it, I realized that I got sucked into listening to the whole album. I could not stop as the songs started to remind me about things in my heart and there is a refreshing feel to them.

I realized how much I missed using these songs as a means of worship and to thank God for all the goodness that he has given me. Even if it did sidetrack my time by about an hour or so, but it was worth it and I think I will make time for what I need to do.