Walking Home

It has been a while since I had my walk, I just thought while I got back from my night out to take this opportunity to walk again.

As I was praying a few things came to my attention in light of feeling a little cold on the inside. I began to think about my almost 5 years in New York and the very intense experience that I have faced to which I never thought I would face.

I pondered on brokenness and voids that live inside of me and how I have resolved to fill them with things that are not necessarily of God, which is why I see so much pain that I am going through. I then proceeded to think about how I am learning and learning the same lessons over and over again which begs me to wonder if I am unaware of certain things and how to go about it.

I could not help but to find comparison about my life and those of my peers. Why has God led me to where I am now? What does He want me to do specifically? What am I to learn in all these waiting? Even those that are around me are beginning to feel repelled by my funk that seems rather obvious lately.

Times like these makes me feel like I am so ready to go, I am so ready to be with God right now. I find no home anywhere, I find no refuge in company but only leading to more and more heartache. Solomon's revelation of such a moment becomes cynically true and what we experience here means very little. The only thing that matters is Him and Him alone. Sounds a bit melancholic but  much of what we are doing in life now is absolutely meaningless.

Coming to the event of an American tradition of Thanksgiving has left me feeling odd and left out after being here for almost 12 years. Even for Christmas and New Years Eve that is so largely celebrated, I am beginning to feel utterly pathetic to be lonely for the recent few years.

I just want to go home, I want to be home with the Lord...