In The Waiting

Am I hitting a wall?

I am thinking about going away so much lately. In my head I am dreaming about California, when I am awake I am looking into places to visit in the West Coast. I am constantly reminded about Kansas and reminiscing more comforting times.

I feel like I am not being myself. I am lying to people, saying yes to things that I don't really want to and making things up just to shut people from prying deeper into my life. I am building up a barrier around myself not since years and years ago. I have 2 faces and I find lesser trust in people.

I am disappointed with Christians, people that I supposedly trust more and now turn to strangers and bearing my heart out to them. I want to scream but I have no voices, I want to curse like never before, I want to break rules and laws, I want to get drunk more, I am losing patience with those that take things lightly, I am finding hypocrisy at every corner of the church. I am pursuing so much but I am getting so little. I am angry with myself and how I have let myself fall. I want to sin so consciously and ignore consequences.

Did I just become more self aware about certain situations with my life that I am so frustrated by? So much for being a preacher that does not preach, so much for being a pastor that does not care, so much for being a Christian who indulges into myself, Now I wish I am rich, that I can have money to spend, that I can buy whatever I want, do whatever I want, go wherever I want and never worry about how will I survive for the next 6 months. Money is the root of all evil... hard to be that way when I do not have much money to spend on.

I have so much tension inside of me that I dream about having someone crossing me just so that I can literally beat someone up. I cannot stand stupid people, I cannot stand inconsiderate people, I cannot stand loud people, I cannot stand late people, I cannot stand selfish people, I cannot stand narcissistic people, I cannot stand people who talk big but show forth little, I cannot stand people who claims to understand but fails to show grace and mercy and so I cannot stand those that have taken advantage of me simply because I want to be merciful but my mercy has sorely dried up right now.

I don't want to do church at all right now. I feel like I am pushing for things that I feel like is going nowhere and I have lost patience to understand and wait for people who wants to stay in their comfort zone but I am here constantly trying to get out of mine.

Christians are such hypocrites... or maybe they are not Christians in the first place to begin with...

I want to go away from here, I want to go home, I want to go where my heart does not get step on and misunderstood. I want to stay away from jackasses who truly only think of themselves, I want to stay away from people who claims to care and want to help but shows nothing of that intention.

American Christianity is such a joke. Pathetically deceived by the Devil like a stupid little baby trying to live life by social acceptance and self-fulfillment. We trade one stupid problem but lead ourselves into another blindly. We criticized one group of people but to live in our own oblivious lifestyle. We praise God and with the very same mouth, curse people. We dig specs from another's eye with a plank sticking out of ours.

America should really get burned in hell for such arrogance... maybe with me in it.