Passive Aggressive

Such a horrible trait to have in this city...

From a young age I adopted this trait in the perception of it as being positive. Seeing back, this is a defense mechanism that helped me counter bully and disappointment without causing stir. A big part of it simply comes form the fact that there are people out there who live life very freely without concern of consequences of their action. Having to got hurt from people like that leaves me rather bitter because no one would pay me much attention even if I spoke up. Adding to the fact that I was not a very smart kid, I do not know how to counter arguments well. So I stayed quiet and go full on surveillance mode and prepare myself for defense when necessary in the future.

I don't get bullied anymore. But this habitual trait is getting hard to shake off, proving to be a problem for the life that I am in. Part of me subconsciously hanged on to this trait is because I am still battling and learning to deal with people who are inconsiderate out there and at the same time, learning to approach it graciously. But seeing that if I cannot react graciously, I should refrain from saying or doing anything that may cause harm and damage... thinking maybe in due time, they will learn. But it doesn't seem like this is how people in this city work.

There is a value of speaking your mind on the spot mentality that is preferred here, and for good reasons, it is somehow necessary. People are going through overloaded sensory stimulation that there is no space and time for reading between the lines. Which leads me to see how distracted and impatient the city behaves.

Getting the pleasure to lead mission teams that come to New York has reminded me about how the city is like. The very one comment that these people fro the South or the Midwest, is that everyone seems so hectic. I was taken back by the obviousness of their observation and to find myself surprised how I have become less and less patient but yet I do not show it out.

I do not know and still on this journey to learn to be less passive aggressive. I am still learning to deal with disappointments and anger issues but I do not know how to go about it. People in this city has proven very much of their obliviousness and child-like distraction tendencies, that it almost make them look very dumb. Maybe my perception of their stupidity is also fueling my anger lately.