Sobriety

No alcohol involved... but it feels like it has been a long time since I could think straight feeling like I am floating through the days, not being able to bring myself to focus and all I could remember are just emotions and poetry.

I remember days of bad dreams, living through one bad memory after another at each shut of my eyes and I walk through what seems more like a panting than rest. I wake up feeling worst than going into sleep.

I had the pleasure to host a close friend of mine recently and spending a few days with him was such a nostalgic experience. Even though I never thought I would be that close to him when I was still back in Kansas, I felt that connection to which can only be credited to the culture of The Mission. But more than anything, I saw a humble and faithful spirit living in him. With the time spent with him brought me back to the days when fellowship looked very different compared to New York. There was no city life, there was no entertainment, there was no romanticism of the urban excitement, there was no restaurants to try, and all there was is the idea that God in the midst of the everyday life is what people hanged on to and find joy and satisfaction in. I missed my old fellowship, where the comforts of those that truly understood what it meant to walk together in God.

Seeing him off at the airport left me almost in a state of withdrawal, like a brother that shared the experiences so similar to mine has finally come to an end, and all I have tasted are just fractions of a good memory.

I have been angry and upset for about 2 weeks, for a variety of reasons. I am particularly angry with myself and seeing how I have let myself fallen for things that I know will bring me down. But more than that, I am upset because I have found myself to go down a path that I never wanted to, and I feel like a hypocrite.

So as metaphorically speaking, I have been so aloof and drunk with disappointments one after another and being filled with worries that plagues my situation as an immigrant in the US. I wallowed in my pool of frustrations while I see people with first world problems giving excuses while I have been trying to keep up with the challenges that I wished I did not have.

The idea of being sober for me at this point is simply knowing the mess that comes with the kind of life that I am entering. The difficulties that I face is nothing less than what those that have gone before me in this same journey. I am aware but more than just being aware is that I can learn to draw lines to tolerate and compromise... not necessarily in agreement to some of the things, but at least for the time being. I am finding some sort of peace again even through uncertainty.