Not the Same

I just deliberately put myself in pain...

There is this funk in the air tonight that left me feeling unsatisfied begging for some sort of adrenaline rush. I have been myself a lot lately into things that I am surprise about. I have found a sense of calmness that is surreal while being in the midst of so much uncertainty and trying to find my way through it. I have been more bold about the boundaries that I use to keep for myself in regards to what I feared; making friends with people that I generally would not talk to first. I have never been so consistent about pushing myself going to the gym after over 8 years of not stepping into one, and having to almost passed out a couple of times. But more than all of these pushing, I found myself threading pass memories that are painful and realized that I am still weak...

My heart is my biggest strength in which God has bestowed upon me to discern and to feel, and to love, and to sympathize, and so much more to which I am still discovering. But my heart is also the weakest thing about me, where my exposure of vulnerability has left me taken advantaged off, brokenhearted, abused, threatened, and left with scars all over.

For some reason I decided to look back at memories that I have buried deep inside me and brought it back up and found that I am actually still feeling hurt by some of them. Each time I bring it back up, I get different experiences and feelings. Sometimes I see myself conquering some of these fears and experiences that I have, sometimes I see God's hand through every weave of the situation and then there are times when I see only pain and nothing else, not even the victories and survival of the ordeal.

But tonight, there were more pain than I expected to find... but also surprising was that I felt hurt by things that I thought I had already dealt with. More to that, was that I knew that I would be hurt by bringing it back up again and jumped right into it. As the memories start flooding, so does the emotions and I feel the sense of drowning into a nostalgic state, of which I have not felt in such a long time.

If emotional scars where tangible, I would look like a 3rd degree burnt victim. And some of the biggest fears is to face the world out there as they stare at my deformity. The shame and embarrassment that takes over because it makes me feel like everyone else is better at keeping themselves from getting burned but me.


But to look at God...


and not remain the same...


worth every pain.