Surrender

I am still adjusting to the timing of being back home. As I am awake really early in the morning and sleeping early at night. Even though that sounds great, I hate to be early and everyone else is still asleep and I have no idea what to do because I am no longer familiar with everything around here to be independent.

So as I was awake and opened the door this morning and I felt a cool breeze drawing in. And for a moment I decided to go take a short walk and not lose this opportunity to walk. So I geared lightly and walked around the area that I lived in, walking slowly and taking in as much as possible to what is familiar and what is new.

The breeze was rather a incentive to walk as people who knows me, know that I favor the cold over the heat. My stroll was rather short and I dare not go any further as I was kind of worried for my safety after hearing all these scary hit and run robbery that has happened in the recent years. Also, I did not want to go too long away just in case that my dad awakes and wonders where did I went.

Nevertheless, I had to enjoy the walk. And interestingly enough, I began to remember the smell and sounds of the past. I remember the especially the chirps and callings of the birds in the mornings that so evidently gave a more distinctive memory of home. I could smell the exhaust emissions that so strongly lingers in the air every time a car drives by(not that there is none of it in NY but this is much more stronger in smell).

So I began to think though some of the things in the past and tell myself how much of this is where I came from. And truly echoing some of the sentiments that I have when I was still back in NY where I find Malaysia only a familiar place of my upbringing but no longer able to consider this as truly a home.

My adult formative years has been so intertwined in the life of America that Malaysia seems like a distant life. And by no means of being unappreciative of my first 20 years of my life but things will never be the same anymore. All being said, I am not hating my past, but rather finding it a whole different set of values to live by to be able to dwell in this place.

As much as I do miss NY at this moment, I am sincerely praying for God to speak to my heart about what I am experiencing now as it seems rather lost with my current situation. I am emotionally confused in a way that has left me unprepared and paralyzed to function well as a proper human being. I feel that my independence is now being stripped down to a place where my dependence on people here in Malaysia is another whole new level of trusting in God. I do not know why I did not felt this strongly the last few visits but this time around I truly feel worthless and unproductive, like I am out of my element.

I am trying hard to humble myself in many ways all over again, and learning to surrender...