Transitional Waiting

I have been home for little over 2 weeks now. I feel like I am not fully sunk into my return as I thought I was. There are days when I wake up from my sleep and find myself rethinking where I am, that if I would wake up in NY.

I am not sure if it is an issue about being in denial but rather of an acceptance issue. But along with it is also the fear that I may never return, which is a big scare for me. My world is all there in NY, so much so that I feel so out of place here in Msia. I feel utterly worthless and unable to do much at all that I find myself so heavily dependent on my family and whatever that they can do for me. I feel so limited that I can only do what they can extend to me.

Even as I am meeting up old friends, there seems to be a huge gap with some of them as its been years since I spend time with them to be able to reconnect closely again. Also, there is a hesitation on my part to not invest because there is a sense in the back my mind that I would not be here for long. Although I am a believer that God can use me even if I were to be at one place for just 1 hour, and all is required for me is to simply surrender wholly.

So as I spend my abundant free time making observations, I began to learn a few things about my family through the drastic changes that have come to be in each other's absence. The undeniable change that comes along with aging and development of life does show itself, some for the good and some not so much. That being said, I do feel like I have returned to a place of old, not just in a geographical perspective but also in every sense because I feel like I am becoming a child again.

This funk of a mentality seems to be playing around with my perception because as I think back about the place I am being called to go to and the environment seems like a stark difference from here I am from growing up. Enough to come to the point of wondering how on earth did I land myself in the situation I am at in NY. Much like what people tend to say 'I would never have imagine myself being here x number of years ago.'

Even as I am typing this, the thought about writing comes to mind. I have been talking about wanting to write my encounters of God in the US and maybe now is a good time to think through and start my writing of this book. The problem with writing this book is that its content comes of as making a lot of conclusions about my experience, of which I find it that I am not entirely sure about my conclusions about that things I write about because my journey does not post as anything resembling an ending. So I would have to write in a very focused time range and topic, which proves to be difficult for me as I can see everything connecting to each other in my life.

I can't seem to grip something firmly about my life this year, everything is so fluid and I have been on my toes pretty much the whole time, embracing all sorts of changes that has come my way. Seem rather that God is trying to break me away from many things and prepare me for something that I am not fully aware of.

I must admit that I have not been earnestly seeking Him about what is His will for my constant what it seems like a transitional season of my life.

Here is to praying hard to waiting on Him...