Strangeland

I was walking home today from lunch, even in a short 3 to 5 minute walk, it came upon me a sense of task of walking home. Not that because it was hot or anything else, but because I felt a sense of consciousness to walk to the house that I grew up in.

Why is this walk such a thing for me? Even when I drive back here, I feel that sense too. Much to it that I realized that I am treating this place so en-strangely. I was conscious about the things I did, much like going on vacation visiting a new place; where I am much more alert to the things around me as I take in everything into my awareness.

This is a familiar place yet there is a missing part that has left me feeling empty. Like everything I do here has little to no meaning. As though that all the things I have been asked to do is just a means of formality, just to accommodate my presence. I am starting to feel like I am losing my purpose in so many ways. Even as there is a platform for me to be preaching but seems like its another formality for me and it is not getting down to the nitty gritty of the important things.

I remembered how almost every action, every task that I did in NY was significant, that every second I had was meant to further push something for God but it just doesn't seem that way here. As powerful supreme is the gospel of which we are to live our lives for, but the significance here seem to be diluted. Even my work for ministry is not taking grip for the past few months and I am unable to see lives unfold for God.

This has also inevitably affected almost every other aspect in my life. I find my love for cooking starting to fade, I do not find passion playing the guitar, and my same goes with many other things that I have come to find pleasure in. I can easily shake this off as something I can term to be little significance in comparison to God, but why can't I do it more easily when I was in NY. Is NY my idol?

Amongst many other bigger things like relationship to be a factor to return to NY, today I am focused on the fact that I feel so very out of place and I am not myself.