In The Waiting

Being a person like me, I am constantly hit with memories that carry heavy emotions and reminders of my past.

As God is faithful in His forgiveness and in His grace to carry us through the hardship in the past, there are however scars that lingers through the memories. And there are plenty of memories in my past that carry's weighty emotions.

Often I ask if I have truly found breakthrough from the Spirit, and then I get answers that I did, but not for all. So as I continue to seek after breakthrough and repentance, I still do find myself being reminded about things that has happened to me that I still do not know how to let go of.

I am always reminded to own my faults at every battle I face, so that I can make clear the conscience that I am abiding my very best to what God wants from me. But the problem sometimes is to know if I have owned up to every fault and the details of it. Where do I draw that line to which indicates all the faults that I should own up to.

So as it is, my memories linger with shame and guilt. But often when I do not know where that line draws, I too come to the point of anger and disappointment. I become angry and bitter to the things that has happened in the past. If not for the things that I cannot own up to, but at least to those things that I am remaining with my convictions.

So there are people that I desire to seek forgiveness from, but then there are those that I find hard to forgive. For those that I desire forgiveness, I can only hope for the grace of God to grant me that forgiveness, yet I am having trouble to find myself being granted that grace to forgive those that has wronged me. Thus, living out this hypocrisy is rather tedious and depressing, because my humanity is so very self serving still.

Being stuck in this limbo, I find it a challenge to face the coming events in life. Much like a brief paralysis that plagues my trifling time at the moment.