The Battle

For 2 reasons that I have avoided writing because of the fact that it was mentioned how writing all these is not necessarily helping me but rather fueling my problem, as well as I have lost touch for writing itself.

There have been several times when I felt like writing but in the end I started at a blank page and unable to bring forth any words. So as I ponder upon the things that has been happening in the recent year or so, much of it has been of a battle of many sorts. For every battle, there is a connection to another.

I am swamp by the overwhelming of worries and fears that in so many ways paralyzes my life. Paranoia floods to my every senses and options to what I can do and I now live a life where I pick the least painful way to proceed.

I have not thought about this before until recent years and the more I know, the more difficult and deeper it goes. I am talking about mental illness. For one that even as I begin to look more into it for the last few years, I also found myself intrigued to my very life and how am I measuring up to what is considered to be mentally healthy. For most people, I can appear to be mentally stable, until I come to the point of high stress and helplessness when those that push further will see me crack.

Adding to the fact that I carry with me an idealistic mentality, it was rather challenging to accept all these problems and think that I can still function properly in society. Something in me will remind of my unapparent bomb that could blow at any time.

What changed?

Simply for the fact that the awareness of it now overtakes so much of what I do. For the past 33 years... or whenever the problem initiate, I have lived under the pretense or believe that I am working normally but what is unknown to me is that I have suppressed so much of it so that I can come to terms with a proper functioning member in society. So essentially nothing changed except for the deeper awareness of the situation. From what I come to understand is that the problem grew bigger in my head and it came to a tipping point of manifestation through physical symptoms.

So I am plagued with mental illness, of which I come to understand that much of the world out there are unaware of the approach to mental illness. I have been shut down many times by people stating that my focus on individual personalities are extreme but despite all that they say, they themselves are in many ways displaying their struggle because they cannot fully understand the situation that goes on with themselves and those they are relating to.

I was reminded recently that the salvation of Jesus does more than a security of our spiritual aspect in our lives, but it very much so covers everything. The holistic redemption of Jesus simply desires for everything in our lives to be affected. I say affected instead of healed, because healing is not the ultimate goal for life on earth, but rather the restoration of the relationship with God is. So God allows permanent damage to be done in certain areas of life, however, He provides sufficient grace to endure through it. Just as the thorn in Paul's flesh represents.

I face mental illness on a level that I would not have imagine it would, but it simply comes to me understanding that God has allowed it not just so that I can just seek healing alone, but rather deepening and sharpening my faith and relationship with Him even more.