In The Waiting

I am still in a funk...

Although I have had much harsher times than now, where I would go berserk with what is happening to me but I still feel like I am trapped in some ways. Only upside to this moment is that things are still bearable.

Why am I thinking about this now???

I watch a show hosted by Jerry Seinfeld called Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee and I was immediately pulled back into feeling that funk.

Out of the 3 things which is comedy, cars and coffee. One I can still muster to enjoy, the other I have to regulate and one is absolutely terrifying to me.

I still seek to laugh as much as I can, I explore many avenues that leads me to laugh. But due to much of my experiences and the standards that I have set for myself, finding something funny to me is no longer as easy as it was many years ago. My humor has changed and with sophistication that develops through time, I become more picky with what I perceive as funny.

Coffee on the other hand is still something I thoroughly enjoy but I must now watch how much I consume it. I remember the days when drinking several cups of coffee would only mean getting stay awake much longer but now deciding whether to have one cup would jeopardize my anxiety attacks, due to my body unable to take the caffeine now.

Cars... cars still in many ways resembles a psychological prison of which I am still learning to overcome it. I have lost that peace and calm that I used to have before and I cannot sit still enough to find my thoughts and heart wander into the vastness of my life through just a regular car ride.

I miss the days when all of these are ok with me, where I fear none of it. I miss the days when I was ignorant where I had no worries and paranoid about the things around me.

But...

Things will get better, maybe not the way I would expect it to but it will get better, and the challenge is to identify the healing progress and embrace it whole hardheartedly.