Joy of a Different Kind

Living in New York for the past 5 years has taught me about how the way I spend my time.

There are thousands of things to do in this city and yet I find myself unable to do any of them. Apart from the limited financial constrain, I am held back by the value of each activity. I cannot help but to start perceiving everything that I do as something more inventively and with a cause.

I have been told by some people to live life with full of joy and I have been beating myself up for being so uptight with my dullness. I feel like I do not know how to enjoy life and I begin to take that challenge to learn to enjoy more as I talked to these people about how to enjoy life. But what I have found was something rather unsatisfying.

People tell me about how to enjoy life and I realized that I was not satisfied by what they were saying and I begin to dig deeper for more answers and help and all I find is a block to what I find utterly meaningless. People are doing things to fulfill themselves, from the activities that they do, places they go, people they meet; it all comes down to how it fulfills their own desires. But if whatever they come to find is hindering them from experiencing fulfillment, they cut it off. Even though there is some justification to that, but it still comes back to meeting that very one goal of self-fulfillment.

So as I found myself trying out some of the things to challenge my joy, I came back rather empty. I realized that what I am seeking after has gone beyond my very needs for fulfillment. I want to do things that further God's Kingdom, not because I want to be pious but because I found no greater joy than to do God's work than to fulfill my own.