Mercy

2 weeks back I was trying to finish a major paper that encompasses a lot about my ministerial experiences and my training and the last week was the hardest. One of the section that I had to write about was about my spiritual gifts and I found myself feeling rather stuck at it, not because I do not know what it is but rather seeing incoherence with what is happening with me.

Since a teenager when I became a Christian, I tested for Mercy as consistent spiritual gift until today. So for the paper I had to write about my experiences in that area and how it is being played out today but I struggled for what has happened lately and the bitterness and anger that I am experiencing. Where is this so called mercy that I so professingly try to live out all these years and now being in ministry I thought it would be more clear?

I had a hard time describing mercy and out of the many other aspects of the paper, this is the hardest somehow. I begin to considered the mistakes I have made and confess my anguish of the things happened and yet finding it rather hypocritical that I am unable to be merciful if I would think that I am. In light of discovering myself and all, I am wondering if I have mistaken this spiritual gift of mine and that it is not what is seems to be.

Have I lost this sense that God has given to me that I am no longer merciful and compassionate with the things happening around me? I seem to be  finding reason for the things I did and I feel bad for wanting to justify my actions. Is this being merciful?

Then I come to realized that God gives assurance in weird times when He reveals to me the path that I have taken and the reason for backing away. I have always believed in justice for His cause and even if being in the midst of sin; which we all are, God is faithful. God is just even in His graciousness.

Even as I wrote painfully that section and finding it rather uneasy as I undergo such a time, I now find certain assurance in my fears. I guess we all react to our insecurities very differently, and even in the midst of what I think I am being merciful about, I realized that mercy is a rare gift that not everyone possess. Even in my best intentions, people are still bounded by only what they understand to my actions.