In this realm, we are living in a cause and effect reality. Excluding God; of which He has his own ways of doing things, we are all subjected to what naturally precede the circumstances around us. So whenever I encounter a person who is either, problematic, angry, depressive, or behaves in rather unconventionally in ways that affect others around them, I tend to want to trace back to their past. Of course when someone offends or hurts me, I would get upset but then I cannot help but start to think about why did they do those things that upset me. Is it me? or is it because they found a ground for their actions, of which could be conscious or subconscious.
What I am simply saying is that we all behave in our very ways, whether good or bad, is somehow accredited to the past that we have live and experiences. Even from the most littlest and insignificant experience can alter a huge outcome in the present and future.
So as I begin to think about the people that have come across my life and how they have impacted me, whether good or bad; I believe strongly that it is all due to their past experiences that inform them their very way of life and actions. I do this for 2 reasons. One is to study them, but the other is to deal with my patience. Often it is when it is an offending encounter that would lead me to anger and bitterness is the one that makes me think why would this person do such a thing to me. What happened in the past that caused this person to make decisions that he or she see fit in the situation?
But of course, I want to be fair and look to my own self and see how I perceived the situation and wondered if my perceptions and decisions are highly dictated by my past experiences.
This long explanation is simply a step taken back to ask myself why do I have so much fears? Why do my mind lead me to places that do me harm? What are the basis for some of the reactions and the decisions that I have in me? What are my baggage?
A class in seminary a couple of years back taught about the importance of grieving properly. It is essential that whatever situation and encounters that are negative, should be grieved as to properly process the experience and not allowing it to resurface and manifest itself in some other ways or forms. In other words, we need closure to our experiences, especially our negatives ones.
Which leads me to think of how I am unable to properly grieve many of my bitter experiences in life and just moved on, hoping that I have learned my lesson and beware my future encounters. But simply being aware of it is not enough. There are emotional attachments and connections of which can be very complex, requiring more than just the awareness of the situation and circumstances. It requires processing in a deep manner, considering the emotions, desire, fear and various other aspects that can be significant and personal to the person.
The complexity of the human mind and its potential and power is far beyond our full grasp. Psychology has managed to open doors and possibilities to how it works but yet have so much more to discover. Even as my interests peaks at its mysteries and discoveries as it empowers me in understanding, it is however also a downfall to seeing too far into something that I am not entirely sure is capable to be fully understood. And the craving to understand beyond what I think I am capable to understand is what leads me to come to a sense of failure and feeling lost to knowing what is going on in the big picture, so much so that I am unable to enjoy the simple things.
But much to the complexity of the human mind is also a grand reminder to me, and hopefully to everyone that the impossibility of our very control of ourselves and the people around us is the very thing that should point us towards the dependency on God and God alone.
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