There are days when I wake up with a heavy heart, for so many reasons. From the worries of the season, the dispassion for the responsibilities of life, the fear for emotional pain, stress and pressure, and most of all, loneliness.
My respect goes out to those who find the conviction of celibacy. But even this call is one that needs to be one that is a life long conviction that is made out of a preference. I say this because I have know people who take on this oath but it is out of the hardship and the bitter experiences that results from unhealthy relationships, almost an escape and excuse.
Today I woke up feeling a sudden void that at the back of my mind, I knew what it was all about. Even as I got up to sit on my bed, gathering my thoughts and take a deep breath, bury my face into my hands and started to pray; I am a man in need of God and no other!
I reflected on my past relationships, all good and bad and I could not help to see some of the things that I have done, the poor choices that I have made, the good lessons I have learned and experienced. I cannot just take all the good memories but ignore the bad and I cannot hate the bitter encounters and override the good ones.
So I wallow with unspoken words, seeking for forgiveness and healing, learning to forgive and to heal others in my prayers. I wallowed at the same time to my biggest sin of all... which is replacing the throne of my life with someone else that is not God. I got lost for words simply because it has become unbearable to speak with empty words and nothing I say can fully justify how much I have wronged God. Talk about jealousy, my God who is jealous and rightfully so has been so patient with me and all I can find refuge is to bring myself to Him as I am.
How do you pray? How do you sing at such revelation? Then this song reminded me;
In a mother's tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes
God loves the drunkard's cry
The soldier's plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes
We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah
The woman holding on for life
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes
The tears of shame for what's been done
The silence when the words won't come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes
We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah
Better than a church bell ringing
Better than a choir singing out, singing out
We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah
We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah
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